Growing up, I enjoy spending time with friends more than doing things alone in my room. A close friend of mine once said I'm a social butterfly. I hang out with different groups of friends, jumping from one to another. In most cases, I somewhat accepted in all of them but I don't belong to any of them. Consequently, I don’t really have any deep friendship connections in any of them. Things have changed so much now. A few years ago, I would've never pictured my life the way it is now, I've become too serious over the years. I am no longer that carefree, goofy and fun. I then figured out it was because I was subconsciously freaking out about people judging me.
Maybe it is because I had been rejected in the past that I'm terrified of going through that all over again so I allowed those fear to put me on guard. I sandpaper myself down so I could fit in better in the society. I pushed myself further and further because my attitude and behaviour doesn't quite match the herd so I could be at the periphery of a community. The thing is instead of feeling the sense of belonging now I have lost myself. I feel the change but I can't name it and I have changed me even though I don’t want to. and the problem is I can't be casual anymore. It’s hard to regain that cool composure and focus on living in the moment when I’m riddled with fears. I really try to be that person again but often fail.
I'm not afraid of being alone, but I'm afraid being lonely.
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