I hate to say this but I've experienced fair share of players, but none of the stories were a good one. Those friends that I once acquainted with and realised that they were attached much later. I then naively thought that guys always want to play while they can before marriage because there is where people usually draw their bottom line. Until one married guy who has a kid at home would send me 'how are you sweetie' texts. This guy wouldn't stop sending me messages despite me telling him to stop and still asked my why he can't continue whatever he was doing. The funny thing is he did make the world knows that he has a family but still behaves like a bachelor, approaching girls and stuffs. Why on earth he would allow himself to behave like this? “I would be so sad if I were your partner, stop contacting me", that's the last line I said to him before cutting him off out my life.
On hindsight, these people think I am easy to get because of the personality of mine being friendly and nice. or maybe because I'm greedy sometimes, wanting to keep everyone in my life (read: wanting to please everyone). People always think I am an easy target in any term. I was too bubbly and friendly to a certain extend that sometimes I crossed the limit without realising it. I felt sad for those incidents happened but I am stupid enough not to realise that the problem lies with me. Shame on me, I grew older but not more mature and wiser, particularly when comes to complicated thing like this. I didn't learn where to place these immature and cheating guys. I open myself up to being a third party. Please try not to be judgemental here. Everyone life their life as they deem fit. I am not telling you what to do with you life, you being you.
At first, I had no intention to take anything further. I never intended to end up with someone so unavailable. I feel guilty for crossing the border, despite the hope for a future together often keeps me going. I was not in a good piece, internally. For the first time I had that moment that I want to stop searching around as I had found the jam that I had been longing for. He represented what I had prayed for to have as a man. His spirit and character endeared him to my heart, as such that I gave him a special name with which I saved his number on my phone. I hesitated on sharing this story of mine, keeping what I knew a secret and was burned by this secret willingly. However, if I don’t own up to my mistakes, I’ll forever be imprisoned by them. I thought the man had all I wanted in a man, as much as I was concerned. apart from being ready to be mine ..
I underestimated the aftermath upon realising I've been lied to by him, whom also the person that told me every day that he loved you can be a paradox of ugliness. My feelings become deep and it just wouldn't leave me alone. It's not very common that people would think from my perspective, but sometimes I get hurt, too. Sometimes things are more complicated than they seem. I often felt that I belong to nowhere and was struggling to find my standing. I feel happy and sad at the same time, from the same person. It has never easy to be happy and sad at one time, having contradicting ideas and mixed feelings consume me much more than I thought it would. I burst into tears out of a sudden while I was laughing at jokes told by friends. Being the other person in a relationship wore me out and tore me apart. The reality is, not everyone is lucky to fall for someone who is available ..
No comments:
Post a Comment