Self Respect.

I used to use phrases like 'outing', 'quick catch up', 'casual talk' etc quite a lot to avoid misunderstanding when people ask if I am dating someone. Technically speaking, most of the time I don't even know what to name it, or 'him'. Hence, this random dude had never appeared on my instagram. I have issues introducing him when the girlfriends notice he kept blowing up my phone and ask me who he is. Despite so, I had poured every piece of myself into this guy knowingly there was a risk that all of these could be drained utterly in a matter of seconds because at the end of the day, without any true commitment between parties, he can just walk away. He does not have to give me any closure nor he is required to give any.

You would not believe how many "relationships" I've been and none of it last longer than I thought it would. Those failed relationships made me felt like I fall short of the required quality to actually look for a good one. I thought I had upheld the standards without compromising but I was guilty of not having any. Guys could always walk over me and didn't treat me with respect because I didn't have good boundaries to begin with. Guys could gave me mixed messages and not reply me as they wish. I started giving in so much knowingly it was self-sabotaging because I really have no clue how to stop myself from that. The issues lie with me but I had failed to realise that and I did not learn to respect myself. How could I expect others to treat me with respect? 

I fell too fast. Once I see a guy that I thought might be a good one to be with I'd fall head over heels immediately. I'd choose to believe in his good qualities and ignore whatever issues he has. I wanted to be swept off my feet but feel like a complete idiot when he decided to leave, without a single word. I thought I could keep him in my life once I fit his prescribed shape and keep changing myself. Never had I confronted him about my emotions and I pretended that I am okay with it so long as he is happy. I neglected my own needs and prioritised his just to please him. I was so afraid the real me being seen and he would leave. For a while after the last failed relationship, I thought I would not be able to love and feel loved. He made me feel I didn't deserve love because it  ended in the exact same way like the previous one, again. 

It might be the time to acknowledge that most guys I have met wasted too much of my time and energy. It's time to say goodbye to the dating world and start over. It's the time to value self respect and stop blaming myself for things that have gone wrong. Now that I understand my value as a girl and as a person. Now that I understand why those guys never take me seriously. No one is willing to be together with someone who does not know her own value and does not respect herself. No one wants a broken girl with scars if myself do not accept the real me. 

There are things I should never apologise for and there are mistakes I should never repeat it again. I should not feel I have not done enough because of his failure to notice my efforts. I should have cut him loose from the first time he makes me feel stupid. I should have realised one of the most terrible things a guy can do is to disrespect a girl's intelligence. I should have known that it is possible that there are guys do not know how to treat women and refuse to improve. The time that I have wasted on those pointless dates. I have learned and realised these the hard way. If he makes you feel bad because of your NOs, ditch him right then and there.  If he's rude to you, walk away and need not feel sorry.  If you respect yourself, you should never let anyone else disrespect you. 

I actually like myself now. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and that feels amazing. Admittedly, I can't quite do this on my own if it wasn't the man who see the potential in me. It wasn't easy to feel like myself again after the previous toxic relationships. Always learn to appreciate the man that able to make you feel small in his arms and remind you that you have so much more to offer the world therefore it is utmost important that you know where your limits are. Get a man that makes you feel secured during your breakdowns and capable of calm you down. No girl in this world would ever need to sacrifice her self respect for any man..