Me Myself.

I grow up with conservative parents where they had serious reservations on almost everything. Studying in UK taught me tonnes about being independent and with the freedom of choice came responsibility over my life, somewhere along the way, I had the first taste of being an adult. But perhaps the most important lesson of all was realising the importance of self-acceptance. You see, I was convinced that I'm the odd one out and feel like I don't fit in my family, even in my friends. I wasn’t belong to anywhere and was struggling to find my circle. I needed assurance and confirmation from others.

Along my journey of finding myself, I recognised the significant change happens in my life when I decide to take control of what I do have power over, instead of craving control over what I don’t. As a result, I became more decisive. I’ve learnt that each little decision I make is either moving me in the right direction or will be an inevitable important lesson I have to learn.

It sounds like a good thing no? (Shaking head) nope, no.

My life is spinning out of control from time to time because I often overestimated myself. Consequently putting myself in, most of the time, unnecessary hardships. I do whatever it takes to achieve the set goals, because I thought achieving my goal will make me feel happier and satisfied. So I push myself, exhaust myself and put my self-care on hold. Never have I ever gave up on something that is important to me, not even when my friends and families already voiced out and asked me to stop. This being one of the reasons why I can’t and really do not know how to handle failures. I rarely experience failures.

But not that I know, I have already gotten to the bad place.

The truth is, I let guilt eat me up. I blame on my ego and also because the kiasu characteristic in me is growing intensively, I would actually look down on myself if I decide to pull out half way. I can’t help but feel terrible even things were completely out of my control. It can be over something big that justified the guilt inside me or something that is trivial thing that you just want to slap me on face. Anyhow, the feeling seems to be with me all the time.  It took me some time to realise that the guilty feeling is actually one of the signs that I was being too hard on myself. 

All this while, I paid a price for learning mistakes the hard way.

Now, I want to stop focusing on things that I cannot change. I want to stop beating myself up over the unchangeable. I want to stop trying. However, I emotionally attached to someone easily whenever I feel concern and caring. Well, I do believe emotional attachment is not a bad thing in itself. Just that the feeling of sense of loss is so hurtful that it somehow worn me out. The struggle I experienced every time when I have to pick up the shattered million pieces of my little heart and hiding all the tears that my eyes have so much. These all together break me.

I’m mentally weak at times and needed someone who is strong enough to hold me when I am falling apart. I been carrying myself for long enough that I am sick of doing this anymore. There are a lot of mental support I received from the loved ones, but none of them could actually fill me up. Am I being picky? Well, let’s just say I don’t wish to lower my standard in order to settle for things that are not up to my standard.

At current stage, I may not know what I want. However, at the very least, I do know what I don't know ..