Have the courage

Friend texted me last night immediately I finished my dinner, asking if I was up for meet up over a coffee. At first, I thought of turning him down since I get fatigued and too tired after running errands the whole day. But the last time I met him was four years ago and since I didn't have plans already, why not? Well, the meet up went really well and I was glad I'd accepted. 

Here is the thing, I am tired in the morning and all day long. Been wanting to take a nap but afraid of having trouble falling asleep at night. and when sleep is disturbed, I cannot function normally during the day. It turned out that it was a bad idea not taking a 15 mins nap during the daytime because my brain start knocking off when the clock hits midnight. 

Excused myself from the drinking and reached home, did a quick shower and turned the lights off. But why am I still on my bed just to suffer, can't fall alseep every night despite feeling restless. It is already half past two and why is my life so complicated. I just want to sleep! Oh god! My brain have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I am going through a lot of changes.

I am letting go thing that is not worth holding after recognised it's already destroying my inner peace and who am I as a person. Struggling to pick up the shattered million pieces of my little heart and hiding all the tears that my eyes have so much. I know I was really hard to care of or maybe even understand. I know I am at fault but I am still doing the same thing again and again, while expecting different results. I am trying ..

I am falling apart, and this time, I was so sure that I am losing hope. I has used up all my energy and give my best try to keep calm. It took me a long while to finally understand one crucial thing. You are never going to be enough for me. Regardless how perfect you are, having the best motives, being a highly motivated individual and having such a good heart, you always fell short for some reason that known to us.

You never really came through for me in the ways I wanted you to.

I refused to see the truth as a sad story but appreciated you bestowed me the chance to grow stronger and become my own master. I am counting on my blessing every day and do things at my own pace. For every single waking day, I am thankful and grateful. The tears that I shed made me real and living and true.

I'm sorry. It seems like I am going through the motions and not really wanting to be saved. I am not sure how long will I take to crawl out of that hellhole. Can't say I know how tough. They say God sends us angels to help us during the hardest of times. 

Where's my angel ...