it's time to let go and move on.

You always know what you want and what you're holding onto. I'm pretty sure that there are many others that have been putting endless efforts continuously just to hold something tightly or carefully. Sometimes it is for a minute and sometimes, if you are lucky enough, it can last for years. Despite this 'what could have been' is making you week and infirm, you wake up everyday feeling you are capable of doing this. also because they say persistence is the key to success and you believe it wholeheartedly. 

During senior year in high school I believed that I was stupid because my brain could never work out trigonometry, algebra, calculus (basically all the math subjects). I was so bad at that and had never get a passing grade on any internal mathematics exams. and here's how the routine went. Extra math classes after school, additional math tuition on a weekly basis, practising endless exam papers and still failed every math test I studied for.

The rule of thumb is, we often cling resolutely to our desires and fight for them regardless. That's because we think we'll be happy when we get what we want. We believe that our hard work will pay well off one day with, probably a fruitful outcome. But let's face it, we all know that there are things that could never be. It rounds out to the same thing after trying all the possibilities and seeking all the advice: it's time to let go and move on.

But everything is easier said than done. I still cry over poor grades and tests. imagine it comes to deeper issues like heart matters, letting go can be very difficult if not downright impossible. The mere thought of letting go is scary, my heart sink a little by just having the thought in mind. I feel like giving up fills me with shame because I could not make it happens. That's the very first feeling I have when I have the 'giving up' thought. That explains why I want to hold on until the situation turns into the way I want it to be. I want to hold on until we somehow manage to work things out. I was still hopeful and wishfully thinking things were in my control.

I don't want to let go.

We had shared things that deeper than a friendship could handle. We reach out to each other when things start falling apart and not in our favour just to look for some comfort. and we needed that to build up the trust in order to persuade ourselves that things really work out sometimes. eventually. I always story you my whole world before you can speak to me about yours. Anything that brings me happiness, bothers me, or breaks my heart. You are the first and only person I reach out whenever I need some advice. As much as I want to keep the way we were in, we now have to a little bit more considerate. 

So today, I want to stop picking myself up, dusting myself off and start it all over again. I want to stop making comparison between the relationship we once had and the one you are having with your girlfriend. Having realised the fact that we could never go back to page one and do it right, the only thing left for me to do is accepting the things I cannot change. That’s where we eventually end up and I've got better things to do than dwell on the past. 

How did that situation turn out? Things have just been... good. I think. 

Because there's no alternative. Honestly speaking. Life will never wait for me to catch up, it moves on regardless. The one thing I finally realised for the time that we have not been taking is holding on will not make something come back. We can't go back and undone what's done. I have to go on without you, the person I thought I am meant to be with, the one I thought I never be able to live without. But we somehow doing it no? We haven't been talking much to each other every now and then, we both are not aware of how life is treating each other right now. 

Who are we kidding? really? We can't be friend. Not now, not ever. You had failed to remember that I have been there for you for the past year and you chose her over me. and why I can't let go?